Rejection is in the Eye of the Beholder

Karen Scott
2 hours ago
4 min read

As has been noted in previous posts, I am fairly new to the neurodivergent world. I have ADHD and OCD but didn’t know these conditions are called neurodivergence. Apparently, self-discovery is a never-ending process!

That said, since starting this blog series—and the research that comes with such an endeavor—I have received quite an education about neurodivergence. Some terms were new to me (even if the symptoms and challenges associated with them were not), such as executive dysfunction, task paralysis, and time blindness.

I also encountered terminology and symptoms that don’t reflect my own experience, but I found them compelling enough to explore further.

One such term was Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.

What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)?

Everyone hates rejection. It leaves one feeling sad, confused, maybe even angry. But rejection is part of life and most people can manage their emotions associated with it effectively.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is different. RSD is extreme emotional distress resulting from real or perceived criticism, rejection, or failure. In fact, the trigger doesn’t need to be severe—even minor instances of rejection can spark a reaction. It is not a typical neurological response, which is why it is so upsetting to the person experiencing it.

Editor's note: the perceived rejection manifests louder internally—it's that voice you keep trying to ignore that kind of sounds like you on a downer, the one that tells you not to try, that you want to kick in the shins.

Studies show that people with ADHD are more likely to have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Their brains have difficulty regulating rejection-related emotions, making them seem much more intense when they occur.

What does RSD look like?

These feelings can manifest in many ways. Besides feeling embarrassed and having low self-esteem, those with RSD may have sudden outbursts of anger, while others might dissolve into tears. It may present as depression or perfectionism. Sometimes, people with RSD may avoid starting projects out of fear of failure.

There's that "try it" avoidance.

When I asked other neurodivergent (ND) writers about their experiences with RSD, one reported that it was “paralyzing.” Several mentioned that the rejection conjured up old wounds from their childhoods. Another said that RSD manifested itself with physical symptoms such as nausea, stomach cramps, and an overpowering lower-body ache.

Another ND I spoke with referenced the “tough love” coaching and mentoring style that many people grew up facing. For her, the “You’re too sensitive” mantra, meant to boost a player’s motivation, had the opposite effect—she ended up quitting her favorite sport and internalizing her shame, making her feel weak and incompetent.

Coping with RSD

RSD isn’t a recognized medical condition, nor is there much research about it. Current treatment options include medication and/or psychotherapy that are used to treat underlying conditions, such as ADHD.

However, it’s important to find ways to manage your RSD because it increases the risk of anxiety and depression. And Lord knows, we don't need any more of that!

Management isn't necessarily the same as desensitizing either.

Once again, fellow ND writers are a wonderful source of anecdotes and suggestions! Here’s what some had to say about dealing with RSD:

Don’t take criticism from anyone you wouldn’t take advice from (unless it’s an editor because it’s literally their job to make your work better).
Keep in mind that criticism is contextual; it’s not a comment on who you are or what you are capable of.
It’s helpful to look at rejection as part of the creative process instead of some insurmountable obstacle.
When I’m overstimulated or triggered, “I need to take a breath and touch grass, get affection from friends, hop under a weighted blanket, talk about it at therapy, etc.”
Seek out teams, people, and coaches who provide criticism designed to empower, not destroy. After all, our nervous systems are compelled by praise!

Living with “No”

As writers, we have chosen a profession or passion in which rejection abounds. Agents, editors, publishers, bosses, and (oof!) readers hand it out like candy. In fact, the road to a writer’s success is paved with chronic micro-rejections. Not just a single “no,” but a steady drip of them from multiple directions. That’s difficult to handle under the best of circumstances. Having Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria can only make it feel impossible.

Honestly, as someone who has been labeled as “sensitive” and “emotional” her entire life, I am surprised that Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria doesn’t have its grip on me. I certainly have that critical inner voice that constantly tells me I’m not good enough, but it’s not debilitating. However, I’m glad I dug a little deeper to learn about RSD and how it affects my fellow ND writers. Though each of us is unique, we all wrestle with managing our challenges as we move through life.

About the author: Karen is a writer, teacher, audiobook lover, and Wordle enthusiast from New Jersey. She has ADHD and OCD, so when those rejections do come her way, she cries but then corrects their grammar. Her favorite activities are spoiling her granddaughter, traveling to warm climates, snort-laughing with friends, and sipping a good Cosmopolitan. Visit her online at www.karenkinley.com.